Your Life in FMA girls
by Nobody You Want to Know
Summary: It's one of those pick your poison kinda things. You make decisions and decide what happens to you.
1. Chapter 1

Your life in FMA (girls)

Chapter One

Welcome to Amestris my friend! You have just been officially chibified! Kudos to you. You are an adorable little bundle of huggable cuteness! Why? Cause what's the point in being a chibi if you're not cute? And cause I say so. Duh. Who's got her fingers on the keyboard here, eh? That's right, I do. Hey, maybe you're a _smart _chibi too! Well, we shall know soon enough. Point is you're cute. If you don't want to be…maybe there's something wrong with your chibi aura…go visit the local mystic and have your chakras read or something. *sigh* You're _supposed _to be adorable. Just thank me, okay? I'm doing you a favor. Seriously. You'll understand later.

Personally, I'd rather be scary than cuddly, but people don't seem to go for the creepy type. Hey, each to his own. Point is, if I made you a freaky little bugger, you wouldn't last very long. Human beings tend to kill the evil folks. Dunno why…

Now, here's what you need to know:

It's very simple. You are fifteen. You are an alchemist in training. Got that?

If you weren't able to comprehend that valuable information, I suggest you sign yourself up for the _special _alchemy class at the local academy. And if you don't know what I mean by "special"…well…you're lucky I made you cute.

See? Say thank you!

Thank me for this too: You now have enough of the national currency to purchase one and only one of these items:

A handgun

A kitten

A textbook on alchemy

A machete

None of the above!

…

Okalley-Dokalley-Eh!!! Off to Central HQ! You're going to try to take the State Alchemy Exam! Eh, what's that? You don't _want _to be a dog of the military? Too bad! I say you're taking the exam, so you're taking it! And if it's any consolation, you will be among many other dogs. HOT dogs. WOOT!!!

…

No, not the kind you eat! It was a play on words! Moron…

*sigh* (again)

Fine.

You can stop for lunch.

Poof, you have enough dinero to buy yourself a noonday meal. Chow down. But that's the last of your spending money!

You are having a nice, splendid lunch, which you may or may not be sharing with a kitten, depending on what you bought at the quiki-mart.

Yay for lunch woot yadda yadda…

Okay, can we go now?

Yes! Off we go!

We're off to take the exam! The wonderful exam of Central! Because-because-because-… because I said so!

Hey, look at the tall ugly man with a funny "X" across his eyes!

Let us point and laugh at him!

!!!

Oh!

Bugger!

!!!

Evil ugly man! Evil ugly man!

Run like hell!!!

Run like you've never run before!!!

No, wait…If you've never run before, you're in terrible shape.

Run like you've been running since you were born!!!

Aw, screw it, just RUN!!!

Dude, what was his problem?

Anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy…

You've made it to Central!

Put on your thinking cap!

Now, what did you buy at the store? (this determines the outcome of your test. Ha! And you thought it was meaningless! Well, no, you probably knew there was a point, but…)

You bought a handgun. You are now Riza's sidekick. Riza, this is sidekick. Sidekick, this is Riza. Yay!

You bought… a kitten. Heh…You're REALLY wierd. And you fail. Waaaaaaa!!!

You bought a textbook on alchemy! You aced the test. Okay, maybe not aced…you uh… "B"-ed it. Regardless, you made it in!

You bought a machete! You chopped up the guy testing you. Real nice. Are you in, you ask? Well, honestly what do you think?

You didn't buy anything?!?!? You refuse to support our economy! Get out!!!

If you are in A or C, go to Chapter 2

If you are in D, go to Chapter 3

If you are in B or E, go to Chapter 4


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

You're in the army now!!!

Nicely done! You passed!

Wakey-Wakey!!! Time for work! Eat some Cheerios and get on your uniform!

Woooo… HQ is so cool! You have a _dorm room_! It's like college or something! So COOL!!!

Report to Col. Mustang's office pronto.

Run, run, run.

Uh-oh! Freaky guy at twelve o'clock!

…what?

No, you're not late! It's not _really_ twelve o'clock! It was another expression. In fact, it was a military expression. Get it together chibi-girl! You're in the military!

And that guy is still running toward you…

Whoa, who is this man?

Yeah, yeah, your daughter is soooooo CUTE! (who the hell are you?!?!?) Uh-huh, she must be really smart (who the hell are you?!?!?) Yep, that's amazing, mister! (who the hell are you?!?!?)

"Oh, by the way, I'm Maes Hughes."

(Who the hell…?)

The strange gentleman whacks you on the back and offers you some pie. Okay…

Child molester!!!

No, no, he's okay. Just wWiiiIiieEeerd. Anyhoo, yippity skippity, you go on walking to the office. Yep-yep, Elysia is a sweetey.

Yep-Yep.

Yep-Yep.

Yep-Yep.

Ye-…

Holy SHIZNITS!!!

Who's the hottie?

What's that you say, Mr. Hughes?

Oooohhh…Commanding Officer? Is that so? Hehhh…SWEET!

You like the military.

Riza's taken the day off work because she's sick, so if you were her sidekick, it doesn't matter. Just remember one thing: Your commanding officer is Roy Mustang, and he is one of those hot military dogs I spoke off. You're about to get your first mission. Selection for this assignment is based on very imperative criteria, or so Roy Mustang tells you.

Now, here's the most important question:

…

Do you wear miniskirts?

If you do, you are about to depart on a very dangerous and top-secret mission!!! Go to Chapter 5.

If you don't, he's looking at you like a something the cat (the one from the quiki-mart) dragged in and is saying that he's dumping you off on his subordinate. Go to Chapter 8.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

You bought a machete.

You went loco.

You chopped up a few people and got thrown outside. Literally, thrown.

Military BASTARDS!!!

Ow-ow-ow. Steps are evil.

You manage to stand and brush yourself off, and you may or may not choose to at this time make some obscene gestures at those retards who threw you down twenty-something flights of very painful stairs.

"Miss a step, alchemist?" a voice asks darkly.

"No," you retort, "I hit every bloody one of them, thanks."

Uh-oh.

It's Scar again!

He sees you!

RUN!!!

Oh no! Oh no!

Oof…WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

You just went kablooey.

You are now a chibi-smear on the sidewalk of downtown Central.

Yeah.

You died.

The End.

Or…is it?

Go to Chapter 7


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

You are sitting on the sidewalk in a pit of misery. If you had a kitten, it ran away to go find some other master. Someone who actually made it into the military… I.E. Not you. If you didn't have a kitten, someone else's just came up and begged to be petted. You hugged it. It peed on you. And then it ran away to find another master. Someone who actually made it into the military… I.E. Not you.

You just got dissed.

By a cat.

Loser.

Are you gonna take that?!?!?

Meh, why not? Everybody hates you. Why bother?

And you just failed the State Alchemy Exam.

LOSER!!!

*sob.*

*sniffle*

*sob*

Apparently, not everyone hates you.

Apparently, it's heart wrenching to watch you cry.

There is a God after all. And apparently, he's loves you.

A lot.

For as you are sitting there on the street corner, bawling your eyes out, you hear footsteps. Assuming that it is some passer-by who doesn't shiv a git about you and your problems, you continue to weep in a most beautiful and pitiable fashion, shaking with weak little sobs like a kicked puppy.

Somebody squats down in front of you. "Hey, what's wrong?"

You hope they will go away and let out another disconsolate wail.

"Don't cry! What happened? Are you okay?" A warm hand touches the side of your face.

You whimper.

Silence.

…

Whoa!

This somebody just put their arms around you and is now rocking you back and forth. "It's okay…Do you want me to call a doctor or something? Are you hurt?"

You shake your head and pull away, wiping your eyes.

Then you look up at the guy kneeling in front of you.

Sweet…CHIPMUNKS!!!

The sun god just stopped by to say hello.

He is by some means unknown to man able to fit into the categories "hot" and "cute" at the same time. Need I say more? And he has the most adorable, huge, gorgeous eyes you've ever seen. They are… no joke, honest to goodness, bet on your life, swear on all that's holy… the most perfectly incredible, absolutely make-you-want-to-melt-while-your-insides-go-squirmy-and-you're-loving-it, tepid/sweet, shimmering gold color that just made your heart rate shoot up faster than a skyrocket.

Forget gold.

They're like…liquid sunshine.

And his hair is more or less the same color.

Have I mentioned that he is HOT?!?!?

And CUTE?!?!?

And he's just looking at you.

Like…

He reaches out and wipes the tears of your face with his thumb before trailing it along your jaw line and laying his hand against your neck. You can feel your pulse throbbing against his fingers like your blood's trying to burble its way out so it can touch him.

And you sit there.

And he's staring at you.

You're still crying, though you're trying really hard not to.

Ever so slowly, he leans forward.

You can't move.

Hell, do you want to?

And just like that, he's kissing you really slowly and tenderly like he's trying to transmute both of you down into a puddle of melted candy. The sun is beating down on your back, pounding against you so warmly that it feels like the two of you have somehow managed to fuse together and are sharing the same heartbeat.

You're running a fever, you've got alchemic arrays squiggling under your skin, and everything just hit equilibrium and rocked backwards so fast that you two may have triggered the second Big Bang. Hello Apocalypse!

You're still kissing.

…

Yum.

…

Oh yes, God most definitely loves you.

In fact, you may very well be his favorite.

Cause girl, you just kissed Edward Elric.

Go to Chapter 6


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Well…ok…maybe I stretched the truth a little when I said you were about to "depart on a very dangerous and top secret mission"…

I suppose "dangerous" is a kind of relative term…

And ummm…How exactly would you define "top secret"?

Hehehhhh…

Like, EVERYONE knowing exactly where you are and why you're there…does that count as top secret?

Cause… yeah… they do… and they think… Well… He kinda told everybody…

You aren't on a secret mission.

…

You're on a date.

…

With…

_Ugh!_

2nd Lieutenant Breda.

What. The. Fudge. (which this guy _really _needs to cut down on…)

Oh, wow.

Just… wow.

Wow.

Ok.

How to get out of this mess?

Oh, bugger, bugger, BUGGER!!!

WHY?!?!?

Brain, don't give out now! Think. Think. ThiiiiIiiIiinNnnnk. Stupid brain! Why isn't it working? Stupid, selfish, egotistical, useless, impudent, disrespectful, STUPID brain! Why does it refuse to function when you need it most? Has it no heart? Does it think only of itself?!?!? DANG IT!

You are going _insane_.

Allow me to elucidate.

You are in a bar, with Roy and his military home-dogs: Mr. Hughes and his wife, Black Hayate, Riza Hawkeye (who seems to be here with Roy. Grrrr…Hey! I thought she was sick!!!), Havoc, and his date, an extremely top-heavy chic who looks like she fell off a poster for "Queen of the Damned". And Breda. Of course. Good Lord, you're not even allowed to drink! And your date is OLD. And FAT.

CURSE YOU ROY MUSTANG!!!

Fortunately, Breda's more interested in his beer than he is in you.

Unfortunately, everyone in town now believes that the two of you are going steady, thanks to our valiant matchmaker, Roy the Retarded. Roy, meet Mr. Fist. Mr. Fist _wuvs _you!!! Kissy-kissyyyyyyyy-DIE-BASTARD!!!

Mustang must die!

Die I say!

But before you can put the traitorous little cretin in the world of pain he so very much deserves, in comes yet another fat man. Joy.

"Oh GREAT!!!" you scream, "DO _YOU_ WANT A GIRLFRIEND TOO?!?!?"

*blink-blink* says the fat man.

You are exceedingly pissed.

"WELL? WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?"

"Lust…" the little fat man says, waddling toward Jean Havoc's girlfriend.

You freeze and do a double take. "…the hell?"

Said girlfriend's eyes just went HUGE. "Gluttony! What are you doing here?"

"Lust, I'm hungry…"

Oh thank God! "Lust" is her _name_. Thank… God… whew…

"Gluttony, shoo! I'm busy."

Jean's all confused-like. "Sweetheart, what's going on?"

"Nothing…" she giggles.

Breda has his head in a mug of beer and still hasn't noticed the appearance of his long lost twin. Roy and Riza are busy making out. Ew. Looks like Black Hayate's getting in on the action too…

"I'm HUNGRY!!!" Gluttony howls.

"Fine!" Lust looks around. Her eyes stop on you. "Eat _her_. She's been whining all night anyway."

"Wha?" says Jean.

"WHA?" says you.

"Wha?" says everyone in the bar except for Breda, Roy, and Riza (and Black Hayate. Aw, that's just _nasty_!).

"WHAHOOO!!!" says Gluttony.

"WHAAAA!!!" says you.

Oh, look: Breda has a machete strapped onto his belt.

Oh, look: there's the red glow of the EXIT sign.

Hmmm…

To be eaten or not to be eaten, that is the question.

No… that's not it…

Fight or Flight? Ha! That's it! That's the question! Now if only your brain would start working again, you could answer it!

What to do, what to do?

Fight! That is the answer! Go to Chapter 9

No! Flight! That is the answer! Go to Chapter 10

Hurry up and decide. Gluttony's hungry.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

And…

You're still kissing.

Tick-tock, children! We don't have all day! Places to go, things to do, people t-

OW!!!

Hey, who threw that at me?!?!? Bad alchemist! Bad! No throwing things at the writer!!!

_Fine_.

You can have five more minutes. But that's it! You're fogging up the computer screen.

Ow…that _really_ hurt! Damn chibi.

Go to Chapter 12


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

You.

Are.

Dead.

Hail! Hail! The gang's all here! (By "here", I mean the world of the living.) Hail! Hail! The gang's all here! Don't you wish that you were too?

Well, you're not here. You're D-E-A-D.

Go act as a poltergeist for awhile or something.

But don't be gone too long, cause…

…

"We are gathered here today in memory of (insert your name here)"

Hey, it's your funeral! Cool!

Oh, who am I kidding? We can't have a funeral for you. The only person here besides me is that kitten from the quiki-mart. Ah, well, such is life. Er… death. But it matters not. You'll be back in action soon enough. Just as soon as the alchemist we're waiting for gets off his lazy butt!!! Come on little alchemist… good alchemist! MOVE IT WILL YOU?!?!?

Eek! Nice alchemist… sit… sit… Sit! No! Stay! Gah! No! BAD alchemist!

Ow.

Anyway, can we just get on with the transmuting please?

Yes.

Thank you.

Alright! Let's get this party started!

Go to Chapter 11 You're about to pull a Lazarus.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Well really! How rude! You don't know why, but Roy has decided that you are not fit to serve in his oh-so-important, extra-cool-but-top-secret, devious scheme of…you don't even know what he was planning! But it must have had something to do with miniskirts. And now you'll never know, because he has just thrown your overly-conservative backside out of his office and slammed the door, after telling Hughes to find something useful for the "newbie" to do. _Newbie?_ Well. Really. And your torture is not over yet. Cause Hughes' idea of "something useful for the newbie to do" amounts to staring at photograph after photograph of his smiling daughter.

Yes, she's cute, oh, she must be soooo smart, wow, she has an adorable smile, awww, look, she's blushing in that one, oh yes, she's bound to grow up to be beautiful, yes, and successful too, yeah, you can just tell.

Yadda-yadda-yadda…

Okay, time to ditch Kodak-Man.

You get up from where you are sitting on the floor in the hallway and go pound on Roy's door. No Answer. So you kick it and bang and scream. By God, he will NOT ignore you!

The door jerks open. Roy glares at you.

"I told you; you're not qualified for this mission."

"But Colonel! I can't just sit around all day!"

"Sure you can! You and Maes will have a blast!"

"But I'm at work! I'm supposed to be _working_!"

"Hmmm… I've got it!"

"Yes, sir?"

"You can go help Gracia bake me a cake like a good little housewife!"

"I've been chosen to serve the state! You have to give me something to do!"

"No I don't. I don't take orders from women." He tries to shut the door in your face.

Your jaw drops. *anime vein* You pull a machete from nowhere and brandish it at him fiercely. (Even if you didn't buy one. I'm giving it to you. Use it well.) "Now listen here, you chauvinistic pig, or I'm gonna chop you into so many pieces they'll be able to use you as sawdust! You give me a job right now or I'll… I'll kick you all the way to Risembool and back again! And then I'll take this up with the Fuhrer!"

"Tch! Yeah right! You don't know the Fuhrer!"

"Well… Well, I will after I go take this up with him!"

…

Roy rolls his eyes at you and looks at Hughes. Slowly, a wicked smile spreads across his face.

"You think you can handle a mission? Alright then, how would you like to serve as a body guard to a very special, gifted child?"

"Is it Hughes' kid?" you whisper conspiratorially so Kodak-Man won't hear.

"No."

"Then I'd be glad to, sir, I'm so happy you've seen reason."

"Yep."

"Thank you, sir!"

"Anytime. Come along now, let's go introduce you to your charge."

You leave Hughes sitting in the hallway and follow Roy to the cafeteria.

"There he is."

You look around and he points out a small blond head among the blue uniforms. The two of you make your way in that direction.

"What's he doing here at Headquarters?"

"He's a very precocious little fellow."

"Awww…" you giggle. "Advanced placement class or something? You're letting him visit for the day? That's so cute. I bet he'll want to see the whole city."

"I must warn you though; he has a tendency to throw tantrums."

"Oh, I'm sure I can handle it." You shrug. "Say, he looks a little old for tantrums…"

Roy chuckles. "He's, uh…very large for his age."

You bend over and tap the not-so-little boy on the shoulder. "Hey there, sweetey."

"Wha?" he spins around and gives you a wide-eyed look.

Roy grins. "Edward, this is your new baby-sitter."

"My new _what_?" Funny, he doesn't_ sound_ like a kid either.

"Well, must dash!" Roy races off, back to his office to sit around and procrastinate like a true professional. To procrastinate paperwork, taxes, cleaning…to procrastinate procrastinating.

You pat the allegedly gifted child on the head. "Don't worry little guy, we'll have lots of fun, I promise! We can-"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A KID SO TINY HE COULD GET BULLIED BY A FETUS!!!"

Your hair is blasted back and you are almost blown over by the force of his howling.

"Whoa!" you gasp, "Roy wasn't lying! Tantrums!"

The kid is breathing hard and his face is turning funny colors.

You know what? I don't think that's a kid.

"MUSTANG!!! YOU'RE _DEAD_!!!"

You swallow and try to speak, but nothing comes out.

He turns and looks at you, and then freezes. "Oh… geez. Sorry."

"Uhh… s'ok." You manage to squeak.

He is _definitely_ not a kid.

The hot boy, who is kind of short but makes up for it in being flat out adorable, is blushing furiously and stammering. He trails off and looks at you sheepishly.

He is by some means unknown to man able to fit into the categories "hot" and "cute" at the same time. Need I say more? And he has the most adorable, huge, gorgeous eyes you've ever seen. They are… no joke, honest to goodness, bet on your life, swear on all that's holy… the most perfectly incredible, absolutely make-you-want-to-melt-while-your-insides-go-squirmy-and-you're-loving-it, tepid/sweet, shimmering gold color that just made your heart rate shoot up faster than a skyrocket.

Forget gold.

They're like…liquid sunshine.

And his hair is more or less the same color.

Have I mentioned that he is HOT?!?!?

And CUTE?!?!?

"Ahhh…sorry about yelling at you like that." He says, finally managing to compose himself. "Roy's an ass."

You shrug, and he swallows uneasily, running a gloved hand through his hair.

"You're the new girl, aren't you? God, I can't believe what a jerk that guy is. I…"

He studies you for a moment and then quirks a lopsided smile.

"Look, how about we get out of here? There's a café just up the road.

I'll buy you some lunch and we can plot that idiot colonel's demise."

You grin, put on a mock military air, and link your arm around his.

"I could go for that."

Go to Chapter 12


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Ha! Take that, you fat lard!

You snatch Breda's machete and charge Gluttony, hollering at the top of your lungs. For a few seconds, he and Lust freeze. Roy, Riza, and Black Hayate stop what they're doing and look up. Gluttony grins wildly and opens his mouth, meeting you halfway.

Chomp.

Oh… well then. So much for the machete. Breda doesn't notice. He's still busy with his beer. You stand staring at what's left of your weapon in complete shock while Gluttony giggles. Yes, _giggles_. Havoc squeaks and passes out cold. Lust catches him and pats his head, mumbling something about the nasty little girl scaring poor Jean. You look at your munched-on weapon again. The blade is completely gone. That little scumwad just_ ate _it! Who are these people?!?!? No time to wonder though, cause-

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Chomp-chomp.

Well, this date has most definitely sucked.

Oh, by the way, you're dead. Go to Chapter 7


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

You sprint toward the door, but you haven't gone three steps before Lust is on her feet, blocking your path. Havoc yells at her, but she waves him off and motions for Gluttony to commence Operation Snack Time. Snack Time?!?!? He's really going to eat you!!!

You snatch Breda's machete and charge Gluttony, hollering at the top of your lungs. For a few seconds, he and Lust freeze. Roy, Riza, and Black Hayate stop what they're doing and look up as you run the little abomination through. Ha! Take that, you fat lard!

But then Gluttony grins wildly and opens his mouth. Wha! No! He's not dead! Heck no! This is not fair! He's supposed to die now!

Chomp.

Oh… well then. So much for the machete. Breda doesn't notice. He's still busy with his beer. You stand staring at what's left of your weapon in complete shock while Gluttony giggles. Yes, _giggles_. Havoc squeaks and passes out cold. Lust catches him and pats his head, mumbling something about the nasty little girl scaring poor Jean. You look at your munched-on weapon again. The blade is completely gone. That little scumwad just_ ate _it! Who are these people?!?!? No time to wonder though, cause-

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Chomp-chomp.

Well, this date has most definitely sucked.

Oh, by the way, you're dead. Go to Chapter 7


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

"Come on, open up."

It could be delirium, but you're fairly sure somebody has their fingers in your mouth. And uhh…

Blah! What is that stuff?!?!? It tastes like…

You struggle to spit it out, but whoever is trying to poison you is holding your mouth shut. You squirm frantically, but you're held tight, pressed forcefully against a surface that scrapes your elbows as you try to brace yourself. And after a few seconds your strength gives out. You give up and swallow, lying still under the weight on top of you and breathing hard.

Cool fingers stroke your face and find their way to your lips again, forcing you to accept another one of the smooth things that crunch in you mouth like hard candy. This time, it doesn't taste so bad. In fact…

Before you can be asked, you have your mouth open again, begging for more like a baby bird, feeling with your tongue as a weak cry escapes your throat. But instead of complying, the presence hovering over you presses a handful of the stuff into your palm and retreats. You hear a door slam and are shocked fully awake, gasping in agony at the jarring noise. A draft of icy wind sends goose bumps skittering over your entire body and you curl in on yourself and shiver.

You open your eyes and look around to find that you're in a mostly empty room, lying on a cold cement floor. There aren't any windows. Just dark patterns etched all around you and…You're sitting in a huge pool of blood.

Squealing in terror, you scuttle backwards, the rough floor tearing at your wrists and hands as you scramble to get away from it. Over in the corner… is that…?

You scream again, but the cry is cut short as the door opens again and a frightening young man with green hair comes in. Though he doesn't entirely look it, you are acutely aware that he's male as he watches you struggling on the floor and throws a tattered sheet in your lap.

"Cover yourself."

Your face burns. He squats down so that the two of you are at eye level and his violet gaze flicks around and comes to rest on the discarded pile of little red stones, which you dropped in your desperate efforts to get away from…

He raises his eyebrows and you shake your head, so he goes and gets them for you and you choke them down, drawing the sheet tighter around yourself and whimpering. He smiles.

"I'm assuming you speak English. My. Name. Is. Envy. Do you understand that? We are homunculi."

You nod mutely as your fingers move without your willing them to and catch a stray lock of his hair, your eyes fixed over his shoulder on that thing crumpled on the floor just outside the circle where you woke up. He removes your hands and forces them to be still.

"Can't you talk?"

You nod again but say nothing, and after a few seconds he sighs in exasperation and drags you to your feet, forcibly hauling you out of the room by one arm. You trail behind him like a bedraggled kite, trying to hold you makeshift garment up with one hand.

As you pass through the door, you dig your heels in and force yourself to look.

The thing on the floor is a dead body.

That face…

You yelp as your devil-eyed escort jerks you out into the frigid night air. You wait, but he won't look at you now. You try to pull away, but he gives your arm a decisive yank and starts to walk.

What do you do now?

Duh! Give this freak a solid kick in some place that will prove he's really a guy, and then get the heck out of here! Go to Chapter 21

*yawns adorably in a chibi-style way and snuggles closer to new friend* Go to Chapter 22


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Wow, he is soooo adorable. Have I mentioned how impossibly CUTE Edward Elric is?

Especially when he's all shook up and can't even look you in the eye cause he's so embarrassed. The two of you are currently seated at a booth in the corner of a sunlit restaurant and stuffing yourselves on ice cream sundaes. You don't have any more cash (you spent it all on lunch yesterday, remember?) so Ed is paying for yours.

Well, Edo finished off his bowl of sugary goodness in one fell sweep, so now he's sitting and watching very intently as you eat yours. It's actually making it a bit difficult to swallow, the way he's staring. Not that you're about to complain.

Ed's huge gold eyes go blink-blink, following the ice cream's journey from the bowl to your mouth and down your throat with rapt interest, as if this is some sort of new and unheard of phenomenon. And like I said, it's incredibly complicated to make the muscles in your neck function properly when they're practically being marinated in that warm gaze.

"So." he says.

"So."

"You're, uh… new in town."

You nod.

"How do you like it? For the most part."

So you launch into a rant about that idiot Scar who's been chasing you, and the evil military that denied you a decent job, and the stupid writer that's been jerking you all over God's green earth and hasn't been feeding you. Ed: *glares at writer*

"You have anywhere to stay yet?"

(You don't, because I didn't give you enough money to pay for housing. Oops. But who needs money with cuties like this running around?)

Ed smiles sympathetically and then enthusiastically offers to let you stay in his dorm at HQ if you really have nowhere else to go and don't mind a bit of a mess.

Your answer?

That's really nice of him, but you want to prove you can take care of yourself. Say thank you to Ed for buying you lunch and head out to find employment. Go to Chapter 13

Wow, he is so sweet!!! Go to Chapter 14


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

You spend the rest of the day wandering all over Central searching for a job. You look everywhere! The mall, the grocery store, the library…Unfortunately, nobody is looking for employees. Well, the library was… but it burnt down. And so is the butcher shop… but that "woman" had a voice like Mrs. Doubtfire looked a bit too knife-happy. Everyone else turned you down. I don't know how they are managing to say no to the chibi puppy-face, but they're doing it. The bakery people even chased you away with a broom! I dunno what else to tell you. You're in trouble.

You're just about to go looking for a park bench to sleep on; when you see a group of people walking down the sidewalk across the street from you. One of them happens to be Colonel Mustang.

"Hey! Excuse me! Sir!" Go to Chapter 15

"I'm gonna go give that guy a piece of my mind!" Go to Chapter 16


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Ed is positively thrilled that you've agreed to stay with him

The two of you head over to HQ and set to work cleaning up his dorm room. Ed gets Hughes to drag an extra cot up from the basement and the two of you transmute some shelves and a closet for you to use. After that you go down to the cafeteria and get dinner. Hughes sits with you and talks about how tomorrow you can all go shopping and buy some new clothes for you and get some supplies to fix the room up a bit. Ed looks kind of wary of that idea, not wanting his home turned into an exhibit on flowers and girl power, but you promise to be reasonable in picking out the paint colors. Then Hughes takes out his wallet and you spend a few hours cooing over pictures of his daughter Elysia before going back upstairs.

You and Ed are sitting on the couch chatting, when suddenly, this HUGE robot/semi truck-thing bursts in and pauses, staring at the two puny life forms on the sofa. Waaa!!! It's the terminator! A robotic assassin sent to eliminate you! You have been cornered! What are you gonna to do?!?!?

You try to drag Ed out of the way, but it's too late. Realizing you cannot save him, you leap from the window, narrowly escaping death. Now RUN!!! There will be time to mourn for Ed later. Go to Chapter 19! Quick! It's following you!!!

You smile in a very ditzy way and squeak, "Hello giant killer robot. Please spare my love and I promise I will go peacefully." Go to Chapter 18


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Roy turns to look at you as you race across the street.

"Something wrong?"

You gasp for breath. "No. But sir, I really need a job! I'll do anything!"

His companions blink. Roy looks you over and shrugs.

"Well," he says thoughtfully, "It just so happens that we are about to depart on a mission. I suppose if you can prove your worth on this assignment, I could consider giving you a fulltime job."

Yes! Score!

"Well?"

You nod enthusiastically. "Thank you, sir!!!! You won't regret it! I promise!"

He flashes you a self-satisfied, flirtatious grin and sets of down the street, motioning for you to follow him.

Cool! You are about to depart on a very dangerous top-secret mission! Go to Chapter 5


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Roy turns to look at you as you race across the street.

"Something wrong?"

You gasp for breath. "Yes! You are such a bastard!!!"

He gives you a blank look, so you kick him really hard in the nuts and run off.

This accomplished nothing, but it certainly made you feel better. And Riza seemed to think it was really funny. Roy is probably going to be ticked next time you see him but oh well, he had it coming.

Nowhere else to go now but Ed's place. Hopefully he's still willing to let you stay with him. Go to Chapter 14


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Oh man, you are in soooooooooooooo much trouble! Psychopath coming to kill you!!!

You can:

Call 911…Go to Chapter 26

Stand your ground and fight…Go to Chapter 25

Scream…Go to Chapter 27


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Ed laughs and elbows you, "Hey, it's okay, this is just my brother, Al."

Brother…?

So you get to hear the full length of their whole long sad tale of woe.

You blush, "Oh. I'm sorry. Pleased to meet you, Al. Sorry I called you a robot."

Al just shrugs. He's a nice guy.

You wake up at 4 AM to a howling cacophony and a series of bangs.

You sit bolt upright with your hair sticking at odd angles and Ed falls off his bed and stumbles to the door, yanking it open to give Hughes a poisonous glare.

"Morning!!!" Hughes says brightly, and launches into another chorus of "Rise and Shine".

"Ugh." Ed marches off to the bathroom down the hall while you take the one in the dorm and proceed to get ready in record time so you can meet Hughes and Elysia on the front steps by 4:15. Your hair is still wet and it's absolutely frigid, so Ed tosses you his jacket and the four of you head downtown.

Hmmm… the jacket smells good.

Hopefully everyone thinks you've got it pulled up around you face because you're trying to stay warm.

By the next week, you are comfortably settled in and life is good.

Ed suggests that maybe you should take another shot at getting a job. He's probably right. He can't support both of you forever, and you really should be pulling your own weight around here. Besides, it's boring to sit around the dorm all day while Ed's off doing whatever it is that he does.

You can try again at the military. Go to Chapter 31

Or go find another job away from stupid HQ. Go to Chapter 32


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Poor Edward!

No, no time to think about that! Run! Any minute now, that mechanical monster is going to catch up with you and you'll meet the same fate as your deceased almost-boyfriend! Who sent that thing after you anyway?!?!? Probably that idiot Mustang!

Your ankle hurts a little, you most likely sprained it in the intrepid dive from the window. But you can worry about that later. Right now what's most important is getting away from that dorm room!!!

You see that there is an alley off to the right up ahead…

Which way do you go?

"Duh! A dark alley? Don't be stupid." Go to Chapter 20

"Maybe if I dart in there, that thing will lose my trail and run on by!" Go to Chapter 23


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Ha! You thought you were smart!

No.

Staying out in the open is way too obvious. That's where Scar knows smart people, like alchemists, prefer to be. Besides, he a serial killer. He doesn't care who sees it when he detonates your brain.

Go to Chapter 17


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

"Let go of me!!!"

"Ouch!!!"

Ha! Take that, palm tree freak!

Yep. He's definitely a guy.

"You little brat! Hey! Get back here!"

You, of course, do nothing of the sort. You're lucky he's in quite a lot of pain right now, or else there's no way you would be able to outrun him, especially not in your current wardrobe. You also have absolutely no idea where you are, but the main point is to keep moving until he's given up on catching you.

Ok, let's recap.

You are a homunculus. Cause as I'm sure you recall, you died. After that, there was a period of about two weeks where you were well and truly dead. But then Colonel Roy Mustang performed a human transmutation and now here you are. You may wonder why he bothered. The best guess I can make is that he must have thought you looked pretty hot wielding that machete. So he realized that you were the only woman he'd ever love. Naturally, he tried to bring you back to life. He was positive he would be successful, because he sacrificed his brain, and he figured that such an incredibly powerful mind as his was ample sacrifice for a human transmutation and that once he had succeeded you would both take over the world and live happily after. This of course proves that his brain was not nearly as powerful as he thought, or else it might have occurred to him that once he removed it, he would die. Which may be why he failed and you are now a homunculus. This is not a good thing.

However you are now more or less alive and you have managed to escape that lunatic with the whacky hair. So you're doing okay. Or you will be once you find some clothes and get out of the rain.

You see a town up ahead.

Go to Chapter 30


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

Ok, let's recap.

You are a homunculus. Cause as I'm sure you recall, you died. After that, there was a period of about two weeks where you were well and truly dead. But then Colonel Roy Mustang performed a human transmutation and now here you are. You may wonder why he bothered. The best guess I can make is that he must have thought you looked pretty hot wielding that machete. So he realized that you were the only woman he'd ever love. Naturally, he tried to bring you back to life. He was positive he would be successful, because he sacrificed his brain, and he figured that such an incredibly powerful mind as his was ample sacrifice for a human transmutation and that once he had succeeded you would both take over the world and live happily after. This of course proves that his brain was not nearly as powerful as he thought, or else it might have occurred to him that once he removed it, he would die. Which may be why he failed and you are now a homunculus. This is not a good thing.

However you are now more or less alive and you have been taken in by a guy named Envy. Envy doesn't seem to particularly like you; in fact you haven't seen much of him since you got back to the mansion where he lives with his nutcase family. They are all pretty much crazy. However, Envy doesn't seem to hate you either, cause he did at least kick Gluttony in the nose when the evil little lard kept trying to eat you. According to Lust, that's a strong sign of friendship with Envy.

Ok. You'll take it.

You can't remember much of anything about your previous life, but that's okay, because you kind of like being a homunculus. I mean, check out the cool outfits!

You always know it when Envy is at the manor, because he invariably makes a lot of noise upon arrival.

It usually goes like this: *huge double doors crashing open, sometimes breaking the hinges* *Envy screaming* *Dante shrieking* *Envy: rant-rant-rant* *Lust and Gluttony: kibitzing* *Wrath howling and giggling* *crash!!!* *Wrath wailing* *Dante: yadda yadda* *Envy screaming again* *crash, boom, crash* *Stomping on the stairway. Boom-boom-boom-boom about 300X* *Door slam, which makes the windows rattle in your room* *Envy: scream, crash, pant, pant, gasp, groan* *silence*

Yeah, that's pretty much it. After living here for a few months, you're starting to get used to it.

You wait awhile, and after not hearing anything else, you get up and sneak across the hall to knock on Envy's door. He doesn't answer, so you let yourself in and go over and sit on the bed, where he's sprawled himself to glare at the ceiling.

"Envy?"

"Get out."

Hmph. Fine then. You stand to leave, but his cold fingers close around your wrist.

"Wait!"

He jerks you arm and you fall forward to land on top of him and before you realize what's happening, he gives you a rough kiss on the lips and then shoves you away again.

"Okay. Now get out."

Now what?

"Oh, I'll get out alright! These people are crazy!" Go to Chapter 30

"Eeep!!! Sweet! Envy likes me!" Go to Chapter 24


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

You sprint down the alley and stop to catch your breath.

Yes! It looks like you've lost the terminator-bot.

Hey, look! Are those guys breakdancing? How cool is that?!?!? You make your way further down the alley to watch and you see two young men. One looks like he's wearing a uniform, and the other one is dressed in a sort of weird outfit like maybe he's an acrobat in the circus. He's got long, spiky green hair that spins every which way as he executes a back flip and somersaults through the air and…

…stabs the other guy in the gut.

OMG, I think you just witnessed a murder!

The green-haired guy drops his opponent, steps away, turns to leave, and catches sight of you.

Awwwwwwww snap.

Go to Chapter 17


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

CRASH!!!

"Dammit Envy!!!"

Remember those sound effects stated in the previous chapter? Yeah…

Lust glances up from her magazine momentarily and cocks her head. "Sounds like that's your cue."

"Remind me why it's my job to deal with these tantrums?"

"Because Envy is our lovable little sparkplug asshole and you are his sex slave."

You snap shut the book you were reading and stand glaring at her. "Well, damn, don't sugar-coat it or anything." She shrugs as if she couldn't care less and you storm out of the library in a flurry of papers.

Of course, you can't stay angry very long, because you reach Envy's room to find him in his usual spot on the bed for sulking. You sigh and flop down next to him, tossing one arm across his heaving chest. He acts like he doesn't notice you're there, but the way his pounding heartbeat slowly stabilizes suggests otherwise and after a while he rolls over and drags you closer so that you're pinned tight against him. It only takes you a second to get used to the alien feeling of his cold skin and you let yourself be cuddled, even though it's still a bit awkward being this close to him and he's inadvertently crushing the air out of your lungs. He's a lot stronger than he looks.

"Envy, I'm scared."

He pulls away and frowns at you. You realize that he hasn't the faintest idea what you're going on about. "Of me?"

"No, stupid, I-"

You never get to finish because he slides his tongue into your mouth. Well, gosh, he seems really concerned….

And then…

Go to Chapter 30


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

You see a soldier passing by on the street and run over to him.

"Please help me!"

He blanches at the sight of your pursuer. "EEK!!! It's that guy! RUN!!!"

So much for the great military.

He does, however, at least have the decency to toss you his machete before fleeing for his life, waving his arms as he vanishes into the sunset.

Jerk.

You spin around to face your opponent, but he already has hold of your hair and…

And uh…

Yeah.

…

Well…on a brighter note…the robot didn't catch you.

Go to Chapter 7


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

Well, you can't call 911. This is Amestris and we don't have 911. But you can find the nearest military personnel!

See that car passing by? Catch it! Flag it down!

Roy!!! Help!

Yes, the door opens!

Sweet!

Whew, that was a close one!

Well, now that you've thanked Colonel Roy Mustang for saving your life about eight hundred times, he informs you that he needs your help.

You are about to embark on a dangerous top-secret mission!

Go to Chapter 5


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

You're going to die!!!

What would be the most advisable course of action?

Scream!!!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

Yes, a very high-pitched, terrified-movie-star scream.

And Edward Elric appears from nowhere and intercepts your assailant!

Ed!!!

Ed's alive!

Yay!

He transmutes a makeshift wall between you and your enemy, and then grabs your arms and jumps up onto the roof. You stick you tongue out at the sputtering cretin who is watching you from below, and the two of you hop from rooftop to rooftop and make your way back to HQ.

Where you find…

THE ROBOT!!!

Go to Chapter 18


End file.
